


The ones that matter most.

by HP_of_the_North



Series: Levi and his kids. [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: But Levi's grieving and lashing out, Do Not, Do not read if you're not caught up, Gen, Go read this holy ass chapter, Grief/Mourning, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, If you ignore me then it's really your own fault you got spoiled, Levi's feelings are not the author's feelings (considering Reiner is the author's favorite), Many many many spoilers, Parental Levi Ackerman, Shingeki no Kyojin Chapter 138: A Long Dream Spoilers, So don't spoil yourself, Spoilers, This might come off as bashing Reiner, okay? okay, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 15:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30007230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HP_of_the_North/pseuds/HP_of_the_North
Summary: "Do you think it'll ever get easier? That one day...we won't be haunted by them anymore?""It's selfish of me, to tell you this." he began, licking his lips. "But I don't ever want to stop being haunted by them. It's true that seeing them every where reminds me of how much I failed you all. But I never wanna forget them...never. And I think...that if I were to stop...then their faces will fade away until I can't even remember what they looked like anymore. I'll know the basics, how tall they were and maybe the faintest idea of what they wore but their faces will be blank and I'm terrified of that."Mikasa nodded, tears falling silently. It was strange...he found, to lay your soul bare to your kid but it seemed as though a weight had fallen off his shoulder. And that was something he'd thank whatever bastard was up there for. That They'd given him this one gift.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Mikasa Ackerman, Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë (Ambiguous), Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: Levi and his kids. [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174079
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	The ones that matter most.

This room was too crowded for his tastes. The heat was barely manageable and the stench of everyone's body odor marring together was enough for him to miss being in his house in the Underground. His eyes slowly rove over the people in here. People he didn't know, at least not on a personal level. All their faces were blurring together, even the ones who'd fought with him to the end. What was that kid's name again? He really didn't know. He didn't know the girlfriend he'd lost either, nor did he know his brother. He supposed that should make him feel pretty shitty about himself. But considering everything that happened? He didn't care if he was the worst person in the world. _At least the Marleyeans will be happy. Almost all the devils are gone._

Armin and Annie were by the drinks, they were speaking but he couldn't really hear. Levi allowed himself a small smile. His sweetest kid got to have a semi-happy ending...that was more than he could say for him and Mikasa. Connie. Dead. Jean. Dead. Sasha. Dead. Eren. Dead. Mikasa. Broken. Hange... Levi flicked his eyes up when Braun sat beside him. Levi's eyes narrowed dangerously as he takes him in, he supposed there was nothing wrong with the man, he'd never done anything to him after all. But he symbolized everything that he hated. Everything that'd cost him his cadets, that'd cost him... That'd cost him his family. 

" _Oy, heicho_." he greeted dully. 

Levi chewed on his tongue to hold in all the insults he wanted to hurl his way. Who did he think he was? How dare he call him that? The small, logical part of him nagged at the back of his mind. Reminding him that Braun was a victim of his cruel world just as his cadets were. But that was exceptionally difficult considering his family was dead and yet the one who betrayed them and started this bloody war for freedom is still sitting here. In his place should be Connie beside him should be Sasha next to her should be Jean behind him should be Armin between them should be Mikasa and Eren should be by her side. And Hange by his. 

"I suppose, after all these years we finally meet. And under the worse of circumstances. After we lost everyone." he said, gazing over at the boy who'd flown his kids away from him in the last moments they had as human. Logically, he knew it'd been the right call to make. But logic doesn't often get a say in emotions. Did Connie and Jean know how much he cared for them? Did they feel as though he abandoned them? "I'm sorry, about Connie and Jean. They were good people. They didn't deserve to go out like that." His nails bit into his skin as the stupid, useless, immortal piece of shit keeps talking. Why can't he shut up? He needs him to shut up. "I guess that saying's true, huh, _heicho_? We don't really appreciate something until it's gone. It is for me with Gabi anyway."

"Don't call me that." he said, finally managing to break up his sandpaper throat. "Only my brats get to call me that. And your brat killed one of them."

Braun frowned at his words, annoyance sparked in his eyes. He didn't care, he can try and fight him, good, he was itching for a fight. He needed to let out some of this...this poison that'd taken up residence in his veins. 

"I'm sorry about Connie, Jean, Eren and Sasha, but I've lost people to."

"You have _no_ idea what loss is." he snapped, anger burnt on his tongue like fire. "Absolutely no fucking idea. But I suppose you should be happy now Braun. Almost all of the demons are dead, it only took me losing my kids to make it happen."

He walked away with red gathering in the corners of his vision, burning his kids into his mind, haunting him like all his comrades before them. He stopped when he caught sight of Mikasa in the garden, staring up at the stars. Tears gleamed gently in the cool light of twilight. The shadows did a good job in hiding her face but his cadets had never been able to fool him. Not since those months were he and Hange got to know them all. They could never hide from him. 

"Mikasa?" he called, walking towards her. Mikasa turned, surveying him with those grey eyes that were so familiar to him, seeing as he looked at them in the mirror. "How come you're not inside?"

"I don't want to be." she muttered back. "It's too crowded."

Levi nodded, sitting beside her with a gentle sigh. Hange use to talk to them, all the time when they were upset and he'd take care of the boys. It'd become a routine for them. When they saw one of their cadets upset they'd tell the other about it. Sometimes it was when they had nightmares. And they couldn't go back asleep unless they knew they were watching over them. He had thought that it'd been creepy in the beginning but he'd gotten use to it in the end. And now he missed it. It was hollow and unfeeling, cold and unnatural. They should be here.

"Why aren't you in there?" she asked. 

"Guess it's too crowded for me too." 

Mikasa laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arm loosely around his, Levi leaned into the half hug. Offering her what little comfort he could give. She was the last of his girls, he almost didn't want to let her go.

" _Heicho..._ " she whispered, her voice was shaking and sounded so defeated. "...did it hurt this much...with Hange-san?"

"Yeah." he admitted, the pain was almost unbearable and he couldn't seem to swallow properly. "I'm so sorry."

Mikasa turned to him confused, it stunned him to realize how child like her eyes were. 

"Why? You didn't do anything."

"I'm so sorry that you have to go through so much pain." he admitted, sweeping her hair behind her ears. "I'm so sorry that I couldn't save him."

Mikasa sniffled quietly, Levi didn't know how else to tell her how sorry he was. How sorry he was that he couldn't save the love of her life (because fuck what everyone said, he knew his kids, he saw those silent exchanges that he and Mikasa had, he saw the stolen glances. They could never fool him) or her friends. But honestly? He might as well say they were her brothers, considering how many times his kids had slipped up and called him dad. He remembered watching them once as they raced each other in the trees, calling out the stupidest insults to each other. Stuff they didn't mean, he remembered that it'd been the first time he'd smiled...since Farlen and Isabelle. He had remembered thinking that this was what peace felt like.

"Don't be sorry, _heicho_." she muttered, holding onto him more. "It wasn't your fault...it wasn't anyone's fault. I suppose I shouldn't be feeling so upset...he nearly killed everyone...but I loved him just the same. What does that say about me?"

"I imagine it'd be the same thing people'll think about me. He did awful things, I know he did and I know that a lot of people would've died. But I can't hate him...I just can't."

"For the same reason I can't?" she asked, blinking up at him. 

"Oh dear Jesus no." he said, gagging in horror. "No, absolutely not, Eren was 19 and I'm nearly 40, that's just...that's like those hentai's underground in the brothels." he glared at nothing as he remembered how one of them nearly got Isabelle once. "I can't hate him because he was my cadet, one of my brats. I could never hate any of you. No matter what you did."

"Do you think it'll ever get easier? That one day...we won't be haunted by them anymore?" 

"It's selfish of me, to tell you this." he began, licking his lips. "But I don't ever want to stop being haunted by them. It's true that seeing them every where reminds me of how much I failed you all. But I never wanna forget them...never. And I think...that if I were to stop...then their faces will fade away until I can't even remember what they looked like anymore. I'll know the basics, how tall they were and maybe the faintest idea of what they wore but their faces will be blank and I'm terrified of that." 

Mikasa nodded, tears falling silently. It was strange...he found, to lay your soul bare to your kid but it seemed as though a weight had fallen off his shoulder. And that was something he'd thank whatever bastard was up there for. That They'd given him this one gift.

"I'm scared of that too. I don't want to imagine the rest of my life not remembering what they looked like. I want to remember everything."

"Then we'll do it together. I can't heal your heart but I want to help you carry it."

"Only if you let me help you. That acceptance goes both ways _heicho_ even if you don't want to admit how much Hange's...hurt you. I know you too." she mumbled. 

"I'm the _heicho_ , you shouldn't feel like you have to help me."

"Just because you're the _heicho_ doesn't mean that you don't need help either."

Levi smiled and hugged her tightly, savoring the victory that one of his children were still here...one of his kids was still breathing. He had let the rest down but Armin and Mikasa? He was never gonna let them down again.


End file.
